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Last Night I Slept With A Girl, But We Didn’t Have Sex

This is the second post in my 30 day creative writing challenge. Click here to learn about the challenge or explore the other posts in this series.

I’m not very good at love…

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Actually, I’ve destroyed every relationship I’ve ever been in.

The biggest trophy in my case of fuck-ups came from a four year relationship that ended in divorce. But I’m over it, or at least that’s what I tell people.

The truth is, that when you truly love someone (at least in my jaded perspective) you give them a part of your soul. You give them a small piece of yourself that you will never get back. And the pain that comes from having that person rip it from you and run away with it forever is one that will never fully fade away. You can simply hope to get better at living with a little less of yourself inside.

I was heartbroken for a long time after my divorce. Unable to let others in. Unable to let anyone love me because I hated myself.

Over time, my heart grew cold. I slowly became jaded, callous and cynical. There seemed to be a process of petrification that was consuming my heart and soul from the inside out.

I have only had one relationship with any ounce of importance since then, a relationship that showed me that there might be a chance for me to love again. A relationship that probably never would have worked, but one that felt right in the moment. A fate I’ll never know because I walked away from it to chase my dreams. The same dream that leaves me here in front of you. Alone.

I have however, recently seen a few holes in the armor that protects my heart. There have been a few moments where I have allowed the thought of being that happy again to cross my mind. But only for a split second. Then I slam the shit out of that door and tell myself that “there is no time for a distraction right now!” I tell myself that I must get it right this time and that there is no more room for failure! Definitely no time for women! Only work, art and self hate.

But that’s not true. If there is one thing I should be making time for in my life right now, it’s love. Not necessarily with someone of the opposite sex, but for myself. And it’s that thought process that leads me to remember that at the beginning of this year I made a single resolution. It was not to lose weight, it was not to get into better shape, make more money, buy a nice car or anything like that. My resolution was simple. Learn how to love.

I wanted to learn how to love myself again so that others might have a chance at actually loving me. Because if I learned one thing from all of those failed relationships in the past, it’s that I must be true to myself in order to expect someone to be true to me.

But being true has been hard. Being true in the life of me can be quite scary. The thoughts on this website have cost me more than $150,000 dollars in consulting work over the last two years and being this open, especially about my personal life, makes it very hard for me to date.

Not to mention that I’m a tough person to get along with for any length of time. I am stubborn, sarcastic, prideful and I like to talk shit. Over time I wear people down, just like I wear myself down. Eventually they just get tired of it. Tired of me.

I’ve lived with myself and the harshness for a long time now so I know how to handle it when I get too aggressive. Something that is not as easy for others to do. Especially with any regularity.

They do not understand that it is the only way I know how to be. That those moments of loud assholery are me trying to communicate with them and not knowing how to do it any other way. It’s like some sick twisted joke I play on myself. “Let’s see how fast you can scare this one away Raymmar!”

But I’ve gotten tired of it. Tired of myself.

This was the year I wanted to change all that. I wanted to try and understand others better. I wanted to be more empathetic and emotionally available. But it has been a hard transition. And I have to admit that I have not been doing a very good job of living up to that resolution.

But then I met her.

She absolutely baffles me. She is more beautiful than I deserve and she makes me laugh. I can be honest with her and she has even seen some of my darkness and still came back for seconds. I think it might be the main reason we could work. Because our pains have connected.

I can feel an energy on her that is the same energy that I have lived with for so long. The hatred that comes from being betrayed by your closest friend. The energy that comes from holding it all in. From never letting anyone see you for who you really are. The pain that comes with hiding from yourself. Form your emotions. From pretending to be stronger than you are.

I know that pain. I don’t know the specifics of her pain, but I want to. I want to know everything about her. The good and the bad. Because if I am going to learn how to love again, I have to be willing to lose again. Because that is what I would want someone to want from me. Because I am only interested in someone who can see the darkness inside of me and still chose to stay. And what better way to get what you want in this world than to let someone know that you’re looking for it.

So yeah, she slept over last night, but we didn’t have sex. And honestly, I’m ok with that.

I’ll be ok with that for as long as it takes to find out whatever it is that we need to find out about each other before we are open to taking that next step. Before we find out where the next turn leads in the early stages of whatever this dance we are doing might be. Until we can communicate about what we want from each other and from ourselves. And until that moment comes and neither of us hesitates.

 

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Why I Have To Be Right

Through the ups and downs I keep only one thing in mind. “I have to be right!”

The last three years have been some of the most difficult in my life. Having just turned 30 I am starting to realize the finite nature of life and have really spent a lot of time questioning my decisions, life choices and overall purpose.

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The Path To Happiness

Happiness will elude you until you realize that the only way to truly find it is to quit looking for it.

Everyone feels it, at least every once in a while. The feeling of solitude. That feeling that you are all alone in this world can take over your life no matter how many people you surround yourself with. Sometimes it makes you want to run, sometimes it makes you want to hide and other times it makes you question the meaning of life.

There is no worse a feeling than being let down by a person who means something to you. Someone who you trusted with your emotional well being, who has let you down or fallen short of your expectations, maybe you are the one who regularly does the letting down so you don’t understand the pain you leave in your wake but nothing hurts more than the disappointment brought on by the people we care about most.

Sometimes it doesn’t even take someone else to let you down. We are often the worst offenders in our own emotional roller coasters. We build our world up in our heads like other people in the world give a fuck about us more than we care about ourselves.

We then get disappointed when our expectations of others leave us feeling like a used condom in the waste basket of a philandering menace who only uses us for their situational gratification.

We rely on the company and commitment of others as if the only way we can find happiness is to be surrounded by others who seem to be more happy than us. How often we pretend to live in a world where our problems are the only problems, expecting that the people around us care about what is truly happening inside our heads. Like our world is the only world and to find fulfillment means to surround yourself with other people who are willing to set their life on pause with the sole intention of making you feel better about yours.

Shame on us!

Who are we to put that much control in the hands of the people around us. Why should our happiness be the responsibility of anyone other than ourselves. Why would we pretend that anyone else around us cares even a bit about the true pain inside us when in reality they are working just as hard to keep their inner pain from being exposed to the world. Trying to refrain from betraying the fact that they are weaker than they admit and that in reality they are as dependent on us to be strong as we are on them.

So we run.

Some people run to alcohol or drugs, others run to another state. Either way, whether emotional or physical, people try to distance themselves from the pain of facing the fact that happiness is an individual quest. It is not something that others can give you or something that happens because you wish it. Happiness is not something that you can learn by watching others or something you can buy online. It is something you have to discover on your own, away from others, away from the clutter of following suit and fitting in.

No matter where you run or how far you bury yourself, happiness is something that remains elusive until you are willing to let it find you. Until you quit questing to find it in the company of others or looking for it in the folds of your wallet. It is something that will purposely elude and evade you until the time comes where you are closest to letting it pass you up all together.

It is in that state, when you have finally decided that you can be miserable no more that you might eventually find it. Not because you deserve it but because you have accepted that there is no other way to get it.

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Lonely Greatness

Is the loneliness I feel desperation or preparation?

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