6 Questions I’m Scared to Ask My Gay Friends

An attempt at honest dialogue on a very controversial topic.

Disclaimer: I will inevitably offend some of the people who read this article. For that I apologize. I am just a creative explorer that likes to ask hard questions. 

6 Questions I’m Scared to Ask My Gay Friends.

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A while back I wrote an article that (at the time) outlined my thoughts on gay marriage and homosexuality in general.

While I still agree with much of what I wrote, I have not been able to stop thinking about the issue of gay marriage and how far we have allowed it to divided us as a nation. I hated the fact that people thought I was a bigot or homophobe for simply expressing my opinions. Some people even accused me of being gay, something I am sure they will do more of after this post. As usual, “they” would be wrong.

That article started a lot of hard conversations and I am sure this one will bring its fair share of grief but this is what I do. This is the lens through which I look at the world. I have to imagine that these are questions that other people would like answers to as well. I can also see how they might not be comfortable asking for themselves.

Maybe I am a chicken too since I am publishing this post instead of asking someone in person. I guess I just think its a great opportunity to start a hard dialogue while putting the thoughts out there for others to read and explore as well.

That being said…

No one is forcing you to read this. If at any point you wish to leave, or for some reason feel like you are not able to have a civil dialogue about a tough topic, then I encourage you to click the back button and go find some braindead drivel to numb your ignorance.

The rest of you can dig in and buckle up. This is going to be a bumpy ride.

1 – Are you ever attracted to members of the opposite sex?

I am not talking about thinking someone’s hot or thinking that someone looks good. I think we are all big enough to admit that there are certain characteristics that make some people more attractive than others. I am confident enough in my sexuality to admit that some guys look better than others. However, this doesn’t mean I want to have sex with any of them.

Over the years, I have wondered if gay people are ever attracted to members of the opposite sex and how they deal with those thoughts. I would like to know more about the inner conflict that you must face as you grow into sexual maturity.

I have gay friends who have admitted to questioning their own sexuality, especially in the formative years, but I have never been able to talk to any of them about this openly. Mostly I want to know how you have personally dealt with the conflicting opinions and miscellaneous attractions to members of the opposite sex.

2 – Is it really something you are born with?

If being gay is something you are born with, then has there been any significant research done to show what might cause one person to be born gay and another not. In other words, why are some people born heterosexual and others born homosexual?

Not to be insincere, but is there something that causes this differentiation in sexual preference at some part during the gestation period? And if so, has there been any research done to find out what triggers that deviation, and at what part of the individual development it occurs?

I do not mean to make it sound like I think being gay is a disease or a sickness, because that is not how I feel. However, in my mind this is a valid question. I mean, some people are born smart and some are born stupid, some are born to be short and some to be tall. I have been blessed with the curse of a hairy chest and I know others who don’t have a body-hair to their name. All things that are out of our control (that is, natural) but are directly attributable to specific genetic traits.

There are specific chromosomes that tell the body to be male or female and sure, I can imagine that sometimes those wires get crossed but has that been proven somewhere? I just wonder if there is a specific, attributable gene that leads to variances in someones sexuality. Has there been any research on the subject? Is there any being done now? And maybe more importantly, how have you answered this question to yourself? I have to imagine that pressure from society to be “straight” has pushed you to ask yourself this question at least once.

3 – Did your upbringing influence your sexuality?

Did you always know you were gay or have their been doubts over the years? More specifically, did you evolve into your homosexuality over time or have you always been sure of it?

I have often questioned whether external influencers can drive someone to become gay. I wonder if sexual abuse or other events through the course of someone’s life could affect their sexuality. Specifically, I’d like to know if there have been things in your life that have made you feel like you did not fit in? Was there a point where you made a conscious decision to explore an alternative sexual lifestyle as an escape or coping mechanism for that discomfort?

4 – Are you a pitcher or a catcher?

This is a purely personal curiosity. Who decides what role to play? Do you decide beforehand that you are going to be the male in the relationship and therefore be the pitcher, or is this a situational decision. Is there a role reversal at any point and if so, how does that discussion even start? Also, do the gay people I see that are very feminine, and what you might call “stereotypically gay” usually the female in the relationship?

For women, do you ever feel like you are missing out on male interaction during sex? For males, anal sex produces a sensation akin to sex with a woman (at least for the pitcher) or so I have been told, but females lack the ability to recreate that same experience without the use of external stimulators. Doesn’t that seem a little hypocritical? How can you justify using an inanimate surrogate for something that you claim to not need because of your sexual orientation?

5 – How do you plan on procreating?

In my opinion, homosexuality is not a natural function of any species because it is impossible for two members of the same sex to procreate. I know that some animals exhibit homsexual behavior or asexual tendencies but we are talking about humans, not animals here. Additionally, most of those changes in nature revolve around the specific animals ability to procreate.

Without procreation a species would eventually become extinct and yet, it seems as if homosexuality is actually becoming more and more prevalent in our society. This may be due to the growing societal acceptance of people coming out of the closet, but as a person who is always asking questions, I cannot help but wonder how you would answer the questions about gays reproducing?

Wouldn’t gay people have evolved out of society over the years without the ability to pass on a specific “gay gene” to their offspring? Even if we assume that being gay is a randomly occurring process of natural selection, then what is the evolutionary benefit of being gay?

Sure you could have a natural baby with a member of the opposite sex, surrogate mother, etc. but is that baby both of yours? I just wonder how that would make the other member in the relationship feel. I wonder if they could get over knowing that the child they were raising was not really part of them. How would the child feel? How will that affect their development as a human as well as sexually?

There is also adoption, and I honestly think that there are a lot of children out there who could benefit from a loving home, even if it was a same sex couple. I would like to think that if I was a child in need of adopting that I would be grateful to have found a home rather than worrying about my parents sexuality.

However, I know these are big questions for a lot of people, so what do you think?

6 – How do we get past these issues?

I think the American experiment as we knew it is running straight towards the edge of a cliff and when we get there we will most certainly jump off and dive to our death. I think that there are a number issues that are more important than deciding whether two people of the opposite sex can get married or not. That is not to say that this is not an important issue for many people but we can not let it become a larger societal wedge than it already is.

Much like racism, sexuality is used as a fence between political parties. We allow the politicians to divide us and pit us against each other based on the issue of other peoples sexuality. The problem is that while this is happening the political candidates you are supporting are out there stripping you from all of your other liberties while pretending to care about this one particular issue or the other.

Me? I think that most people are far more concerned with whether or not we maintain our sovereignty, remain economically viable and get back to a prosperous position as a nation, as opposed to whether or not a couple of gay guys (or gals) in a city near them wants to spend the rest of their lives together.

I couldn’t care less what happens behind the closed doors of two consenting adults in this country. That is one of the great parts about living here. What I want to know is how do we find a solution that leaves us all feeling like we got and gave something without passing some perverted legislation that is going to be exploited down the road.

How do we protect some of the moral boundaries and religious opinions of those around us while making sure that we are not trampling on the individual rights of other citizens along the way? How do we solve this using common sense and less bureaucracy?

I know there is a solution. I know that these issues are being used as swords of social disparity and that has to stop, I’m just not sure what it is or how to do it.

Got any ideas?

Leave them in the comments below.


16 replies
  1. eklof
    eklof says:

    Sorry for my bad english:)
    I believe its a scale, some are 100% gay and some are 100% straight and then there is everything in between. I think a lot of gay people get attracted to the opposite sex and there are all different kind of combinations. Some men say their gay but actually they sometimes have sex with the opposite sex because they are attracted to women sometimes as well. I have one gay friend who says his gay and he only falls in love with men and mostly have sex with men but once in a while he meets a woman that he has sex with but he has never fallen in love with a woman. I also have a gay female friend who is the same but only falls in love with women. I am gay and i rarely find females attractive but once every fifth year os so i meet a woman who is different from all the other women. Im attracted to her and i really like just looking at her. Although i am not really into having sex with her, at least it has not happened yet.

    I think dealing with those kinds of feelings is not an issue for most gays. Most gays my age or older have been dealing with realising that you are gay and that is a major inner conflict in the sex/personality spectrum. Therefore i think after going through that, realising that you are attracted to a women too, is not such a big deal. Only my opinion though. Realising that you are something(gay) that people use as a curse is really a struggle and some live most of their lives as straight because they are afraid of what others will think/do to them if they knew the truth.

    the latest research suggests that being gay for males at least, happens in the womb. All male fetus are during pregnancy in a testosterone shower at one time (maybe the 5th week?). and some fetes get the smaller shower and that makes him gay. the same research also shows that for every boy a woman gives birth to the chance of him being gay increases dramatically. according to the study: after every testosterone shower the shower gets smaller, therefore the increase. They don’t know yet but their theory is that it might be something genetic in the mom. (size of testosteron shower… etc.)

    i saw a documentary a year ago or something like that, on television that was about homosexuality. i don’t remember where it was but the people lived in tribes. in their society the gays were accepted and were looked upon as a resource for the family since the families that had gays where much more likely to survive because they had a member who dint start their own family and could therefore help his family taking care of children and providing help/food and money to the family. Although they had to live as males dressed as females and did not seem very happy.

    This is just me thinking out loud:
    Maybe we are born predisposed for one or the other and some are 100% something and some are just leaning towards one or the other and then some events in life make you more one or the other…. The upbringing…. if you would study how many straight people that has been sexually abused or that had stuff in their life that made them feel different i think you would fint that there are a whole bunch.
    Me i have always known i was gay or at least as long as i can remember. the thing is that i dint know i was gay until i learned what the word gay means. but i have been thinking about males sexually since i was 5 years old. thinking about men sexually made me feel different more than anything else. Being gay made me feel unaccepted and that made me explore alternative lifestyle in other areas than sex

    I don’t know exactly what you mean by ”What role to play”?
    we all have roles and it depends on who we are and who we are around.
    If you have a very dominant(quiet, personality compared to most you are mostly the dominant one but you are (hopefully)gonna run in to people that are more dominant than you and suddenly you don’t play that role anymore so everything depends on who you are with and the way they are. Some are further out on the scale (in life and in bed) and others are more in the center witch makes it so that some people shift more often than others. you can put any two different personality types on that scale almost…

    Before homosexuality wasn’t something that scientist recorded when studying animals. During the last 10 years scientist have started to record homosexual activity and they have found that its very different both between different species and different individuals and they have seen homosexuality in 200 ”new” species that hasn’t been on the list of ”species containing homosexuals” some are gay but become hetero for the mating season, some live in lifelong monogamous relationships. etcetera…

    Not a natural function… hmmm… its pretty common in a lot of species so i think that sounds kinda natural gay people can fuck straight people and make babies. And these days there are a lot of different options so we don’t have to. The question about surrogacy is part of a different discussion, at least from my point of view. Maybe the evolutionary benefit is that people that don’t have kids have tie to focus on other stuff such as thinking:) there are som research that without people with asperger we would not have some as far with a lot of different research and science.

    6??? in sweden the christian party have a proposal that i think is really good: The only way to get the benefits of being married (heritage with children from different relationships, sharing the mortgages, whatever the benefits are in other countries) is by getting partners by the state and then you can go to whatever church you want/which ever will have you and get blessed by god. that way we can all have the same rights in society and churches/priests and couples can do the ceremony the way that they feel good about. why would a gay man want to have the blessing from someone who doesn’t want to give it?

  2. Burns, C (@caitlinburns_)
    Burns, C (@caitlinburns_) says:

    lol oh god. I can’t believe you wrote this article in 2014. Here I am, ready to answer these super tough questions.

    1 – Are you ever attracted to members of the opposite sex?

    Gender and sexual orientation are spectrums, not separate boxes. Someone can identify as gay and still have sexual attraction to women or trans people, and that doesn’t make them not gay. Have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale? That’s been a thing for over half a century.

    2 – Is it really something you are born with?

    Yes, it is something you are born with. Yes, there is research about it.

    Here is some interesting info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_behavior_in_animals
    Here is more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biology_and_sexual_orientation

    Hope that helps.

    3 – Did your upbringing influence your sexuality?

    Most people are “uncertain” of their sexual orientation because they were not provided with adequate information on the subject during their formative years. If provided with the proper terminologies and definitions in a sexual education curriculum, I’m sure many younger people would not deal with such angst over their identity.

    Homosexuality (and all other non-hetero orientations) is not caused by anything. It is, in fact, very offensive to assume that non-hetero individuals are so due to abuse or as a coping mechanism. For instance, it would be very offensive of me to assume that you are fat due to childhood neglect or poor impulse control. Maybe you were just born that way. Either way, it’s very harmful to project your assumptions and judgement onto someone else.

    4 – Are you a pitcher or a catcher?

    Relationships are not a game of role playing. As a woman, I don’t “play” the woman in my relationship. My boyfriend does not “play” a man. In a gay relationship, neither is “playing” a man or a woman. In a lesbian relationship, neither is “playing” a man or a woman.

    Relationships are not formed based on gender role stereotypes. Rejection of gender role stereotypes is… kind of the point? Also, you appear to not understand anatomy very well. Gays can have intercourse without anal penetration. Lesbians can have intercourse without dildos. Sex is not all about the P in the V. Straight couples have buttsex and use dildos, too, how do you explain that? Apparently you spend too much time “researching” gay porn and not actually befriending gays.

    5 – How do you plan on procreating?

    If you really think the point of any creature’s existence is to procreate, what a sad reality that is. Many men and women in the world choose to be child-free. Many women and men are born infertile. Many men and women have unviable children with grave illnesses. Many men and women adopt. Many men and women are raising their step-children. Many men and women with horrific genetic diseases have children that are perfectly healthy. Need I go on?

    You must think they are “unnatural” as well. We do not live in a eugenic society. Breeding is not regulated. Gays are not going to “take over” …

    I’m honestly shocked that the idea of thriving in a non-nuclear family is that confusing for you.

    6 – How do we get past these issues?

    Stop worrying about what other people do with their lives. Good lord, take a gender studies class.

  3. Ian Coleman.
    Ian Coleman. says:

    What I want to ask gay people (none of whom are my friends) is, how can you seriously expect normal people not be repulsed by the thought of sodomy? The argument against same-sex relationships is that same-sex acts are horrible, and therefore people who commit them are horrible too. Even if you don’t think they’re horrible, I do. You cannot tell me not to think that. It’s not my fault that gay people do horrible things. It is their fault.

  4. matrix639
    matrix639 says:

    I’ve always wanted to ask, what’s the gayest sport?
    Could it be football? They are always patting each other on the butt, and the hike position? Sooo Gay.
    Or is it boxing? Two bare chested men in silk shorts. And what are they fighting for? A belt and a purse.

  5. Amanda Mantaporn
    Amanda Mantaporn says:

    1- I believe the answer is yes. As humans we are all naturally curious, some people just don’t act on it regardless of your sexual orientation.
    2- For this I think it is not something you are born with. I do not believe it is a chromosome that makes you straight or gay and smart or stupid. We evolve slowly into our said ‘destiny’.
    3- This answer I believe would also be yes-most of the time at least. Whether the cause be seeing homosexuals regularly or an abusive person of the opposite sex I think many variables could cause someone to become one way or the other. Like people always say you don’t choose to be gay(or straight) or do you? Many people I know that are gay became that way due to something that was traumatic to them-especially in the lesbians I know.
    4- Clearly this titled number is more for the males but from my experience in conversation and tending to dedicated events I believe the terminology ‘they’ use is top or bottom and is predetermined meeting your next relationship or sexual encounter. Throughout this number I do believe you mentioned it being hypocritical for women to use toys to simulate the sensation of a man, on the contrary what does that say for straight women using toys in their relationship with or without their spouse present?
    5- Although the members of the homosexual community cannot naturally procreate without going outside our their relationship of course not everyone can naturally regardless. I also believe less people in general should be having kids, it should be more of a choice than a oops I’m pregnant. If two consenting, responsible, loving, nurturing, successful adults want to become parents however they choose I think its amazing and the rest of society who can naturally procreate- including myself, should learn something from the community who cannot.
    6- Much like racism- as you mentioned, maybe less division could make this less of an issue. Instead of Gay Pride, just Pride, instead of Black History Month, just History Month. If we don’t have Straight Pride and Bisexual Pride how do we justify having Gay Pride? We are taught to be comfortable with ourselves and don’t need justification that our sexual preference is ‘ok’. Same with Black History Month, when was the last time we had a White History Month celebrating Christopher Columbus?
    As far as the political reference it is very sad that this is a dividing line, much like the opinions that no women should vote republican. Over time society has changed and to hold a grudge on something that you were not a party of nor had any control of seems to be a bit unrealistic. Gay marriage is becoming legal slowly and clearly its not just democrats voting for it- why? Because society has changed.
    My statement is clearly biased to my personal opinion and interactions and I do look forward to more thoughts on this and many other controversial topics.

    • Raymmar Tirado
      Raymmar Tirado says:

      Yes, I have a feeling this one is going to get interesting.

      I am going to let a few more people have a crack at the article and your response before I jump in too deep but I do have 2 things to say.

      1. Congratulations. Cant wait to meet Cadence
      2. I agree with much of what you said but there were a couple places I disagree. Maybe we can get into it more over a beer now that you can actually have ont! See you guys soon.

  6. Karen Jenson
    Karen Jenson says:

    I always applaud your honesty & introspection — whether I agree with you or not. I’ve shared a couple of your pieces with my high school students; they’ve been good openers on the personal thought process.
    I have not read anything in your “Opinions” section (I expect that’s a wild ride), but I’m very grateful your voice is out there.

    • Raymmar
      Raymmar says:

      Thank you for saying so. Mine is not a quest to win over the minds of the people who think like me, but to push people to think for themselves, especially the ones who think they think like me.

      I expect people to have different opinions and to challenge my thoughts. We all get better that way and usually the best idea wins out in the end.

      Thanks again.


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