Is the loneliness I feel desperation or preparation?
In a world where people strive to have more Facebook friends or twitter followers than the next guy, I sit and wonder how many of them are truly happy. How many of them have relationships in their life that are more than just skin deep. Do other people sit around lonely, wondering what the rest of the world is doing while they sit around on the sidelines of life?
People put on shows for the public, heck, I do it all the time. I pretend everything is all good when in reality I am holding on by a thread. Money in the bank? A great job? Someone special in your life that makes you feel like you matter? Nope, nope and nope! At first glance there seems to be nothing going on in my life to make it worth waking up in the morning. This brings me to another truth, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I wake up early and just lie there in bed unable to get out of bed because I’m tired of feeling useless to the world.
[blockquote]Is this really the case though? Does the world hate me so much that it has singled me out and confined me to a life of depravity? Or am I doing this to myself unable to face the reality that all I have to do is go out and show the world what my true abilities are?[/blockquote]
I sell myself all the time to other people, over the course of my life people have put faith in me but I have little faith in myself or my ability to truly follow through on the things that have mattered in my life.
Some people might look at the opportunities I have squandered in my life as missed chances to make something of myself. What if in reality my true self has been rejecting the ideas that others have been projecting on me. What if I am finally exploring my inner self at a level that many people don’t get to do. Maybe I have to be lonely and depressed right now in order to fully understand everything that I am being prepared for in my life.
There is a belief in my heart, even through the toughest times that I was put on this earth to do something amazing. I’m talking about earth shattering, world changing, Nobel prize amazing. I don’t know why I feel this way because I have ruined many opportunities to live a productive life and be comfortable in my lifestyle over the course of the years. I quit in sports, quit college, quit working hard, quit plenty of jobs, actually, I can’t even remember all of the things I have quit in my life.
Am I truly destined to do something great or am I just a quitter. Does my destiny involve happiness or a life of contempt always looking back at missed opportunities. I guess only tomorrow will tell. Today I will just suck it up again, hold my head at least half high and keep putting on a show until I find the place in life where my part of the jigsaw puzzle fits with the rest of it.
Maybe there is no place for my piece of the puzzle. Maybe the way it works is that you make your piece fit, wherever you want it. You work it until finally it fits in the grand scheme of things. Maybe it doesn’t fit perfectly but then if you wait for perfect you might sit there your entire life turning away opportunities to create the bigger picture for lack of willingness to compromise your idea of what that picture looks like.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe this is one long rant about nothing. Maybe there is no answer to these questions other than to keep on moving in whatever direction feels like forward at any given moment.
Some of the best stuff I find on your site. . . comes by digging through your archives. I loved this. I adored it. I’ve thought it, lived it, embraced it, all before. I needed to read this today. Another great piece, as always, Stella.
Yeah, talk about blast from the past. Digging up old words and emotions that are still quite relevant. Sometimes I take for granted all the things I have written on this site but info always appreciate going back and seeing some of the early stuff.
Thanks for sharing. Maybe I should “freshen” a few of these up and re-release them. Anyway, happy hunting.