Some of my thoughts on the struggles of trying to make it as an entrepreneur.
There is this weird feeling coming over me recently. I recognize it faintly but I cant place it. It is a mix of uneasy adventure filled with fear and instability. I can’t quite put my finger on it although I’ve experienced it before.
I have about $90 bucks to my name right now, not including my worldly possessions which at the time I write this are stored in my friends garage while I live out of a couple of boxes and a small closet. My car payment is past due which is $400 and I quit paying a few other misc bills lomg ago that I figured could wait till my cash flow was in a little better position. I’m getting tired of hitting ignore when the 800 numbers call but it doesn’t make any sense to answer because I know they just want money and unfortunately I don’t have any to give them.
I have been here before, though last time was a little different because I was living with my dad and I could count on an occasional free meal or at least groceries in the cabinets when I wasn’t in a position to feed myself. There was even a time once where I filled up my car after eating lunch with my dad only to find out that I did not have sufficient funds in my account to cover the cost of the fill up. I’ll never forget having to call my dad and ask him to turn around and come pay the bill so the shop owner wouldn’t call the cops on me.
This was all during a period when I was transitioning in to adulthood, I was 20 and had just moved to Bradenton, Florida from Columbus, Ohio. I was working at a car dealership and responsibility, at least of the financial regard, was new to me. It even got so bad that I had to scrape together coins to go to the store and get a loaf of bread and some peanut butter to go along with the jelly that was in my dads fridge. It wasn’t much but it filled my stomach and it was pretty much all I could afford after putting a few bucks of gas in my tank to get to work until payday.
That was a pretty uneasy time in my life as I learned to pay my own way entirely and learned the importance of prioritizing my expenses. It got better but not until it had gotten a little worst. Eventually I found some steady income and figured out how to make sure that the proper bills got paid, the car got filled and even left a little for entertainment.
Tonight for dinner I toasted two hamburger buns which were a little stale but after I toasted them you couldn’t tell. I then lathered them up with peanut butter and jelly which promptly melted and oozed all over the place since the buns were still hot. As I sat down to eat it finally dawned on me that this feeling inside of me which I couldn’t place was not so elusive at all. It’s called being broke! Tonight’s dinner just reminded me of another time in my life where I was making a transition from one place to another and doing whatever it took to survive.
As I sit here thinking about this adventure I have embarked on, I can’t help but worry about where my next meal might come from. How will I fill up my gas tank or even pay to have a car to worry about filling up. Do I have to get a job in order to pay the bills? Will that job interfere with the success of my dreams? Will a door open soon that will give me the opportunity to truly shine? I remember soon after the last time I was in this position I ended up getting the job that put me on the map. Although I’m not looking for a job right now, the right client could make all the difference. I don’t need a lot of money, just a couple of accounts could change my circumstances but they are a little more difficult to come by than I had originally thought.
Failure is not an option though, there is no turning back. There is only forward progress to be made. I have to keep waking up, putting one pant leg on at a time and slowly walking towards my dream. There are no footprints to follow or instructions to guide me. Every step forward might actually be a step backwards, unable to know until I get there and look back. Every step a possible trap or pit to wrap me up and break me if I let it. But I don’t think so. Not this time. “I may be broke, but I won’t be broken!”