This is the second post in my 30 day creative writing challenge. Click here to learn about the challenge or explore the other posts in this series.
I’m not very good at love…
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Actually, I’ve destroyed every relationship I’ve ever been in.
The biggest trophy in my case of fuck-ups came from a four year relationship that ended in divorce. But I’m over it, or at least that’s what I tell people.
The truth is, that when you truly love someone (at least in my jaded perspective) you give them a part of your soul. You give them a small piece of yourself that you will never get back. And the pain that comes from having that person rip it from you and run away with it forever is one that will never fully fade away. You can simply hope to get better at living with a little less of yourself inside.
I was heartbroken for a long time after my divorce. Unable to let others in. Unable to let anyone love me because I hated myself.
Over time, my heart grew cold. I slowly became jaded, callous and cynical. There seemed to be a process of petrification that was consuming my heart and soul from the inside out.
I have only had one relationship with any ounce of importance since then, a relationship that showed me that there might be a chance for me to love again. A relationship that probably never would have worked, but one that felt right in the moment. A fate I’ll never know because I walked away from it to chase my dreams. The same dream that leaves me here in front of you. Alone.
I have however, recently seen a few holes in the armor that protects my heart. There have been a few moments where I have allowed the thought of being that happy again to cross my mind. But only for a split second. Then I slam the shit out of that door and tell myself that “there is no time for a distraction right now!” I tell myself that I must get it right this time and that there is no more room for failure! Definitely no time for women! Only work, art and self hate.
But that’s not true. If there is one thing I should be making time for in my life right now, it’s love. Not necessarily with someone of the opposite sex, but for myself. And it’s that thought process that leads me to remember that at the beginning of this year I made a single resolution. It was not to lose weight, it was not to get into better shape, make more money, buy a nice car or anything like that. My resolution was simple. Learn how to love.
I wanted to learn how to love myself again so that others might have a chance at actually loving me. Because if I learned one thing from all of those failed relationships in the past, it’s that I must be true to myself in order to expect someone to be true to me.
But being true has been hard. Being true in the life of me can be quite scary. The thoughts on this website have cost me more than $150,000 dollars in consulting work over the last two years and being this open, especially about my personal life, makes it very hard for me to date.
Not to mention that I’m a tough person to get along with for any length of time. I am stubborn, sarcastic, prideful and I like to talk shit. Over time I wear people down, just like I wear myself down. Eventually they just get tired of it. Tired of me.
I’ve lived with myself and the harshness for a long time now so I know how to handle it when I get too aggressive. Something that is not as easy for others to do. Especially with any regularity.
Those moments of loud assholery are me communicating… not knowing how to do it any other way https://t.co/3vVjfz7kqa pic.twitter.com/GXv9UJVPHB
— Raymmar Tirado (@RayTirado) March 6, 2015
They do not understand that it is the only way I know how to be. That those moments of loud assholery are me trying to communicate with them and not knowing how to do it any other way. It’s like some sick twisted joke I play on myself. “Let’s see how fast you can scare this one away Raymmar!”
But I’ve gotten tired of it. Tired of myself.
This was the year I wanted to change all that. I wanted to try and understand others better. I wanted to be more empathetic and emotionally available. But it has been a hard transition. And I have to admit that I have not been doing a very good job of living up to that resolution.
But then I met her.
She absolutely baffles me. She is more beautiful than I deserve and she makes me laugh. I can be honest with her and she has even seen some of my darkness and still came back for seconds. I think it might be the main reason we could work. Because our pains have connected.
I can feel an energy on her that is the same energy that I have lived with for so long. The hatred that comes from being betrayed by your closest friend. The energy that comes from holding it all in. From never letting anyone see you for who you really are. The pain that comes with hiding from yourself. Form your emotions. From pretending to be stronger than you are.
I know that pain. I don’t know the specifics of her pain, but I want to. I want to know everything about her. The good and the bad. Because if I am going to learn how to love again, I have to be willing to lose again. Because that is what I would want someone to want from me. Because I am only interested in someone who can see the darkness inside of me and still chose to stay. And what better way to get what you want in this world than to let someone know that you’re looking for it.
So yeah, she slept over last night, but we didn’t have sex. And honestly, I’m ok with that.
I’ll be ok with that for as long as it takes to find out whatever it is that we need to find out about each other before we are open to taking that next step. Before we find out where the next turn leads in the early stages of whatever this dance we are doing might be. Until we can communicate about what we want from each other and from ourselves. And until that moment comes and neither of us hesitates.
Ok, this is me writing on Day 1. I call BS. I couldn’t even finish reading that sob story and NO you know I’m not a troll.
You don’t know what love is b/c you don’t love yourself – obvious or should I say oblivious! Do you even know what makes YOU happy? Not what everyone told you makes you happy but is like oxygen even though its going to be the hardest, scariest, oh dear God why am I doing this…
B/c you actually KNOW balls to bone what you are doing is the right thing to do. You have to believe in yourself to even start to find out what truly makes you happy. When I was pregnant I kept asking, “How will I know I’m in labor?” And everyone kept saying, “Oh, you’ll know…” except my Mom knew I wouldn’t. She trained me to keep my mouth shut, if its not bleeding or you’re not dying it better be good. So I listened to what people told me it’s supposed to feel like b/c if I truly understood the realness of true pain – my family wouldn’t be able to keep their secrets.
When the moment of truth (it’s time to push) I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t understand what was happening. I was very confused and then I was like PUUUUUSH! And if I would have just listened to what my body was SCREAMING for me to do. Bada bing, bada boom – here’s baby. But I felt her, for the first time I felt everything all at once! And promptly lost my shit, froze, and spent 15 agonizing minutes trying to get out of my body!
Fast-forward to more bad decisions, horror stories and I don’t know how I didn’t kill us both drama. Oh teenage years with the kid was her payback so, its all good. Enter my current partner who loves me more than ….maybe one day you will see for yourself but he will tell you, with a straight face, how he’s dreamed of interesting ways for me to die with a black hatred that leaves a sweet after-taste in your mouth.
Why can I describe that so well? ehehe
Oh, I’ve really shaken from resisting doing it to him. But, he is the Alpha the Omega, the beginning and the end of me. I know you say…just wait…I did. I waited until I believed balls to bone that there was nothing else in my life worth leaving over him…kinda of like what a real parent experiences, chooses or feels when it comes to their offspring.
My child’s life will be better.
But you can’t teach anyone what you can’t do for yourself so, either get your act together or get ready to watch history repeat itself in your next generation. I don’t care if you believe me. Day 1 remember? If I can find the soul mate everyone in my life said was a fantasy (shrugs) you can be honest enough with yourself to stop the whiny BS, get the job done and take responsibility that you and only you are wasting the life God gave you.
*drops the mic