Imagine if you were forced to live in a portable jail cell. A dark, dingy dungeon that moved with you wherever you went.
A portable penitentiary. One in which you were inmate, the guards and the warden.
Now imagine never being able to leave that dungeon.
Imagine living your entire life inside of that cell.
Imagine that the whole world sees you as free but you understand the severity of the sentence that you must serve.
A sentence that has no beginning, no middle and no end. Cursed, from birth till death.
I keep you trapped in your own mental prison, but not a shiny new one.
There are no white walls or stainless steel toilets in this prison.
No luxuries from the modern world to save you from your solidarity.
I am a middievil dungeon. One that has enslaved man from the beginning of time.
Stone walls stuffed with the suffering of many, sealed inside of steel bars that never seem to budge.
There is a slow drip from the damp ceiling.
The drops of depression land on your head as if they were dew from the devil himself. Each day leaving the fresh sparkle of skepticism.
Each day another struggle to stand up.
Each day another demoralizing defeat at the hands of your own demise.
You reach out, grasping for whatever you can find, anything to help you cope.
Drugs, alcohol, and sex offer a temporary release but often end up reminding us of the evils we are trying to escape.
You stare into your phone, and then off into space, searching for someone, something more than superficial. But, no amount of social sharing is going to separate you from this solitude.
You feel the answer inside of you as if the key were hiding in plain sight. As if you could just reach down and unlock the door of depression and just let yourself out.
You feel like you might finally get to step outside and know what it’s like to live totally free.
As if there was a magical cure for this disease that devours you, but be sure that this dungeon has no entrance, and no escape.
I am not a place where others can come to visit. This is not a place that others get to see.
I simply am. All around. Inside of you. Inside of me.
Every so often that place leaves us be and for a brief moment we are shown that key.
A key that you think might set you free but its just another false sense of reality.
It’s just another hope that will never happen. A sight you’ll never actually see.
Some days you feel like you may not survive and some days you’ll feel like I might just set you free.
But you would be wrong, I’ll never let you leave.
I am your depression, this is your dungeon and you will never escape me.
Thank you for addressing this topic. A topic, a disease, so widely misunderstood. The public believes they know what depression is from the wonderful commercial representations, after-school specials and Lifetime movie premieres. I say if you really want to know, ask someone who has/is suffering from depression.
It is NOT in our heads.
Many believe depression is something you can ‘get over’. Mind over matter. That’s just it, your mind feels as if there is no matter. No substance, no feelings, no logic, no reason. Setting many into a very difficult pattern of thinking and logic: ‘I don’t matter. Why try? Why care? Who cares? It will always be like this…’ The cycle of thinking can be endless to some people with depression.
It is NOT for attention.
Don’t get me wrong some people can mimic ‘depression symptoms’ but it doesn’t take long for them to break. It is not a ‘front’ that can be held for too long unless you actually suffer from depression.
It is NOT a phase (and if it presents itself as so, it WILL come back later in life).
My previous statement sums this one up… If you believe someone is ‘faking’ or ‘mimicking’ depression symptoms, there is a method to their madness (whether they know it or not). There are many forms of depression. Some can indeed be fleeting, caused by hormones, sudden and drastic change, abuse, pregnancy… basically anytime your body wants to play with your chemical balance. So, depression can enter your life for a short period and exit quickly BUT for most it is a life long battle.
It is NOT for the drugs.
Goodness, it is certainly not for the drugs… Medication for any type of mental illness sucks. Plain and simple… Don’t get me wrong the long term effects out weigh the the short term (side) effects in the long run but finding the correct medication for your type of depression can take one to several trials.
Who am I to speak about depression? Do I have formal schooling or education on this topic?
No. I have lived it. I do live it. Daily. I suffer from major depressive disorder… a fancy way to say, I will always live with this. I have been on 40+ oral medications, over 60+ combine drug cocktails (some not FDA approved). I have been in therapy, group therapy, hospitalized (willingly) three times in a secure unit. I have undergone Trans-cranial Magnetic Stimulation (in 2006 – then not FDA approved), Electroshock Therapy or Electro-Convulsive Treatment (in 2010).
My side effects have included weight gain and loss. dry mouth, insomnia, excessive exhaustion, OCD, ADD, ADHD, hallucinations, delusions. I have suffered from (NOSED) a ‘not otherwise specified’ eating disorder, I have permanent learning disabilities, short and long term memory loss and cognitive and motor skill delays.
I am only 30 years old,
This is not to scare people; this is to educate people that depression is VERY, DANGEROUSLY real and if not caught early on is fatal. I advocated for myself. I chose to try new progressive treatments. I feel I am a source of education, a walking guide of advice and tips. I open myself to questions…
Mental illness is not an ending; it is an opportunity to grow, learn and become ‘real’.
Holy response Batman.
This is why I love doing this and this is why I encourage people to join the conversation.
I agree with basically everything you said. I have been dealing with depression since I was old enough to know what it was. Ever since I was old enough to know what those weird feelings were inside of me that made me hate myself.
I have also tried many different medications and treatments and nothing has worked better than spilling my guts to the world. Honestly most depression medication sucks. It often turns you into a zombie, makes you gain weight and zaps your sex drive.
This website started out as an extension of my personal journal. It really is my therapy and I hope that others will find strength in connecting with us online. I hope to start conversations about a lot of tough topics. Things that a lot of people are not talking about but things that I think we should be talking about.
Thanks for such a detailed reply Ali.