I just want to know what it’s like to write again…
To release my expectations and sit there staring at the end of a pen…
To not care…
To force myself back into the chair…
Even if it’s just to sit there…
With a blank stare…
Wondering when…
If…
The words I fight just might decide to write themselves tonight…

It’s been a long time since I sat in front of a screen to capture a random stream of consciousness.

To just let raw thoughts flow from my head, through the keyboard, onto the screen, and out into the world.

Something which has really been bothering me recently. Mostly because that was the whole reason I got into this web publishing game in the first place.

When I first started writing, blogging, etc., I didn’t care about much of anything.

The world had just chewed me up and spit me out like some sorry mess of a man. I was of essentially no use to society and everything I loved about the world had crumbled around me.

Words gave me the strength to get me from where I was to where I am now. Yet for some reason I abandoned them along the way.

Publishing those thoughts is like emptying the recycling bin in my brain so that I can free up space in my mental hard drive. Something which has not been happening with any real regularity over the last couple years, which might explain my desire to simply write again.

When I started on this journey, I just wanted to get the thoughts I was having about the world out of my head. I wanted to somehow archive, index and catalogue them so that I could someday search through them and understand myself more clearly.

The goal was to build an ever evolving online playground where I could curiously explore my thoughts and ideas in a way that allowed others enjoy the adventures with me.

It’s why I fell in love with the whole concept of publishing on the web in the first place.

But somewhere along the way things changed. Somewhere on the road from the past to the present, I lost some of that free spirit.

Maybe because I went from having nothing to lose to being scared of losing everything again.

I guess I’ve come to a point in my life where I once again have something to be worried about blowing up from the inside out. And to me, that is the most terrifying thing in the world.

But it must also mean that I have made progress. It must mean I have learned from my mistakes and that I am looking to avoid making them again.

It means that in order for me to move forward I must adapt.

It means that the things which got me here will not be the same things that get me to where I am going. A line of thinking with which I am quite comfortable. Especially when you consider that the only thing constant in my life over the last decade has been change and instability.

So as I sit here wondering how much of the old me to let into this new world in order to spice things up a bit, I also worry about how the ideas I’ve explored in the past have recently jumped up to bite me in the ass.

I think about the freedom and flexibility I have as a young entrepreneur and what I have accomplished over the last few years, and search for ways to balance those thoughts against the understanding that I am still at a very precarious place in my overall development as a complete human being.

I sit here acutely aware of my flaws, but also immersed in the raw potential which sits at my disposal and see a new super power evolving in my arsenal. The ability to not only shape my future, but to help shape the future of my ccommunity, and to help others shape their paths as well.

So you can expect to see and hear a lot more from me as we move through the next phase of our master plan. Both in written and video format. Because while I have not been publishing much publicly over the last couple years, I have been working hard behind the scenes.

And we have a lot of catching up to do…

See you in the next post.

Raymmar

For those dreaming about doing something bigger with their lives but keep finding financial hurdles along the way, this one is for you.

Learn everything you need to know about where we have been and where we are headed here at Raymmar.com.

A short poem about the fear of falling in love.

My heart breaks, my body shakes and when I try to tell you, my voice quakes….

A short poem about self doubt and the process of being consumed by the unhealthy thoughts that often creep into our heads. Day 4 #30DOT

A metaphorical post intended to inspire the creator in all of us.

We can steer our boats around the rocks and so we assume that we are in control but we are but a spec, floating on the surface.

Our government is like a fat, rich, spoiled child, who has never been told no.

Propped up on an oversized throne; Under armed guard, in a gun free zone.

Feasting on a buffet of corporate interest, drunk on free money and fucking every warm hole he can find.

Mom’s too busy getting high to notice that the house is on fire and the kids are fast asleep.

Apparently someone unplugged the smoke detector because it was making a weird noise.

Oh well… maybe just one more bump.

After all, who’s gonna know?

We’ll just hope for change tomorrow.

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A short poem about the American mindset and the peril we face as we cling to what is left of our individual freedoms. #AskHardQuestions

Go to school, get a job
Buy a car, then get married
Pile up debt, Wear the facade
Don’t look up, ‘til you’re buried
Get lost in the mob
Treat the world like a slob
Become a slave to your job
Then get what you can
Because you’re American
And we deserve it all
So just watch as it falls
Then, get down on your knees
Because we’re no longer free

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I am working on a video for this poem but I decided to share the audio now instead of waiting a few months or however long it takes to produce the video. The concept is relevant considering our social situation and well, I’m also kind of impatient like that.

I am interested in creative collaborations, so please, feel free to download the audio above and use it as a backdrop for your footage. Then share the link with us and maybe we will publish it on our site. Be sure to attribute the audio properly in your video.

Send submissions or any questions to: submit@Raymmar.com

Scroll down for the poem text.

 

The Poem

I stand beside you and feel all alone staring at my feet, then down to my phone.
Maybe inside of this small screen I’ll see, a friend thats been patiently waiting for me.
Someone who “likes” the things that I write but still no one’s here when day turns to night.
But no matter how long I stare at that phone, I still end up feeling completely alone.

Then I look at you and it seems to me, that you are as popular as anyone can be.
How do you make the friends that you have, and why do I never see you feel sad?
Is it that you’re so much stronger than me or is there something else, a thing I can’t see?
But there you sit holding your phone, and I Instantly wonder, if you too, are alone.

Could we all be lost, together as one, always connected but friendships with none.
There is a mass of we’s and a slew of you’s, but its getting harder to find the few who are true.
Everyone wants but few want to give, everyone dies, but not all of us live.
So unplug your mind and set down that phone, we can’t solve these problems together alone.

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Imagine if you were forced to live in a portable jail cell. A dark, dingy dungeon that moved with you wherever you went.

A portable penitentiary. One in which you were inmate, the guards and the warden.

Now imagine never being able to leave that dungeon.

Imagine living your entire life inside of that cell.

Imagine that the whole world sees you as free but you understand the severity of the sentence that you must serve.

A sentence that has no beginning, no middle and no end. Cursed, from birth till death.

I keep you trapped in your own mental prison, but not a shiny new one.

There are no white walls or stainless steel toilets in this prison.

No luxuries from the modern world to save you from your solidarity.

I am a middievil dungeon. One that has enslaved man from the beginning of time.

Stone walls stuffed with the suffering of many, sealed inside of steel bars that never seem to budge.

There is a slow drip from the damp ceiling.

The drops of depression land on your head as if they were dew from the devil himself. Each day leaving the fresh sparkle of skepticism.

Each day another struggle to stand up.

Each day another demoralizing defeat at the hands of your own demise.

You reach out, grasping for whatever you can find, anything to help you cope.

Drugs, alcohol, and sex offer a temporary release but often end up reminding us of the evils we are trying to escape.

You stare into your phone, and then off into space, searching for someone, something more than superficial. But, no amount of social sharing is going to separate you from this solitude.

You feel the answer inside of you as if the key were hiding in plain sight. As if you could just reach down and unlock the door of depression and just let yourself out.

You feel like you might finally get to step outside and know what it’s like to live totally free.

As if there was a magical cure for this disease that devours you, but be sure that this dungeon has no entrance, and no escape.

I am not a place where others can come to visit. This is not a place that others get to see.

I simply am. All around. Inside of you. Inside of me.

Every so often that place leaves us be and for a brief moment we are shown that key.

A key that you think might set you free but its just another false sense of reality.

It’s just another hope that will never happen. A sight you’ll never actually see.

Some days you feel like you may not survive and some days you’ll feel like I might just set you free.

But you would be wrong, I’ll never let you leave.

I am your depression, this is your dungeon and you will never escape me.

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I am a parasite, I live deep within you. I make it impossible for you to stay true.

A cancer in your soul, no cure, no treatment! I feed on your peace and your moments of weakness.

You call out for change but I know you don’t mean it; you beg me to stop but but I can’t hear you scream it.

 

We know each other and we coexist but deep down you know you cannot resist.

The pull of my power, the draw of my name, your deepest desires to relish in pain.

The pain of others, a pain you can spread, a pain that sparks, the dark thoughts in your head.

 

Where do I come from? You haven’t a clue, but still, here I sit, deep within you.

Waiting, hoping, stalking my prey, counting and pacing as you run away.

Knowing that no matter how hard you run, you will never escape me because you and I, are one.

More Poetry

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Sarasota Eternal kiss at sunset

Dedicated to Chris and Brooke Braun

A Poem by Raymmar Tirado

Is it a feeling? An emotion? An inkling? A notion?
A moment of weakness, a moment of faith, a moment to expose our most sacred place.
A place in our hearts that we locked with a key, that is until you said you loved me.
 
The truth is that real love is hard, it won’t stay the same. Love is a journey, burdened by change.
It’s not a game, it’s not an emotion, its a decision I make each day with devotion.
An invitation for you to forever share, a promise I make to always be there.
There in your life when you need me most, a promise to always pull you in close.
 
My hand on your heart, your hand on mine, two souls connected forever in time.
I’ll do my best and try to treat you right but one of these days we’re bound to fight.
Hopefully less than our moments of glee but no matter what, I’ll never flee.
I won’t let you go, I’ve made up my mind, today and tomorrow, you’ll always be mine.
 
My decision for love is one that won’t fold, and there’s no telling what our future might hold.
Our journey begins on this special day, and no matter what, we will find a way.
There’s no telling what we can do side by side, and that’s where I’ll be till the day that I die.
 
So what is love? It’s a funny little thing, defined this day with the exchanging of rings.
A reminder each day of this moment in time, a reminder each day that YOU are all mine.
A small symbol for such a big word, and I’m still not sure what I did to deserve, The love I’ve been given, to have and to hold my feelings for you won’t go untold.
Let no one deny that our love is true, and however you say it, my love; is you.
 

This video spawned from a poem that I wrote one night after dealing with some personal issues with someone who I thought was a friend of mine. It is not necessarily directed at any individual but more of a combined message to everyone and everything that has ever held me back in life.

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Why do we do the things that we do, the last thing I wanted was to ever hurt you…