I just want to know what it’s like to write again…
To release my expectations and sit there staring at the end of a pen…
To not care…
To force myself back into the chair…
Even if it’s just to sit there…
With a blank stare…
Wondering when…
If…
The words I fight just might decide to write themselves tonight…
It’s been a long time since I sat in front of a screen to capture a random stream of consciousness.
To just let raw thoughts flow from my head, through the keyboard, onto the screen, and out into the world.
Something which has really been bothering me recently. Mostly because that was the whole reason I got into this web publishing game in the first place.
When I first started writing, blogging, etc., I didn’t care about much of anything.
The world had just chewed me up and spit me out like some sorry mess of a man. I was of essentially no use to society and everything I loved about the world had crumbled around me.
Words gave me the strength to get me from where I was to where I am now. Yet for some reason I abandoned them along the way.
Publishing those thoughts is like emptying the recycling bin in my brain so that I can free up space in my mental hard drive. Something which has not been happening with any real regularity over the last couple years, which might explain my desire to simply write again.
When I started on this journey, I just wanted to get the thoughts I was having about the world out of my head. I wanted to somehow archive, index and catalogue them so that I could someday search through them and understand myself more clearly.
The goal was to build an ever evolving online playground where I could curiously explore my thoughts and ideas in a way that allowed others enjoy the adventures with me.
It’s why I fell in love with the whole concept of publishing on the web in the first place.
But somewhere along the way things changed. Somewhere on the road from the past to the present, I lost some of that free spirit.
Maybe because I went from having nothing to lose to being scared of losing everything again.
I guess I’ve come to a point in my life where I once again have something to be worried about blowing up from the inside out. And to me, that is the most terrifying thing in the world.
But it must also mean that I have made progress. It must mean I have learned from my mistakes and that I am looking to avoid making them again.
It means that in order for me to move forward I must adapt.
It means that the things which got me here will not be the same things that get me to where I am going. A line of thinking with which I am quite comfortable. Especially when you consider that the only thing constant in my life over the last decade has been change and instability.
So as I sit here wondering how much of the old me to let into this new world in order to spice things up a bit, I also worry about how the ideas I’ve explored in the past have recently jumped up to bite me in the ass.
I think about the freedom and flexibility I have as a young entrepreneur and what I have accomplished over the last few years, and search for ways to balance those thoughts against the understanding that I am still at a very precarious place in my overall development as a complete human being.
I sit here acutely aware of my flaws, but also immersed in the raw potential which sits at my disposal and see a new super power evolving in my arsenal. The ability to not only shape my future, but to help shape the future of my ccommunity, and to help others shape their paths as well.
So you can expect to see and hear a lot more from me as we move through the next phase of our master plan. Both in written and video format. Because while I have not been publishing much publicly over the last couple years, I have been working hard behind the scenes.
And we have a lot of catching up to do…
See you in the next post.
Raymmar
